1. Sleep is something that happens to someone else (read: husbands). Everyone tells you how amazing it will be when your baby sleeps through the night. From the second she is born you dream (while awake of course because you don’t sleep) about the night when she sleeps for at least 8 hours. Every night you tell yourself “this is the night.” And then it happens and you’re all like “so that was nice for you baby but what about mommy?” She may sleep through the night, but as long as she’s still in your room, you hear every peep, squeak, fart, gargle and breath. But let’s say you can sleep through all that. You still can’t sleep because your boobs are leaking on the sheets and feel like they’re going to explode because said sleepy baby forgot to wake up and need them and your boobs are confused and needy, too. So you do the nice thing and leave the room to pump so you don’t wake up your sleepy husband (read: you could give two shits about his selfish sleep patterns, you just don’t want to wake up that sleepy baby!)
2. You are so excited about every little milestone until your pediatrician says something in any sort of tone of voice that makes you panic about said milestone. For example, your baby is a lazy bum and sleeps all the time. You rejoice, even though you’re not sleeping, you think to yourself “some day soon I will sleep, too” even though you know you’re lying. You tell everyone “my baby sleeps through the night and most of the day, too!” Then you go to the pediatrician and she says, “Wow, she sleeps that much?” and you think to yourself, oh god, what did that mean? Should I keep her awake? Is she getting too much sleep? And then sweet reality sets in. “My baby sleeps too much” said no mother ever.
3. Your husband’s job is like a five-day vacation compared to yours. Wow honey, so if you screw up millions of people across the country will be really pissed at you? That’s nice. Call me when they start sucking on your boobs every two hours, need to be held and sung to for no apparent reason, poop through their clothes and into your hands and require you to wipe their butts every one to two hours and refuse to sleep through the night, thus keeping you awake for 24 hours every day. Also, when you get home, I’m going to need you to hold my “client,” because she didn’t let me pee, shower or eat since you left this morning for “vacation.” And don’t even think about asking me about dinner, the laundry or why the house is a mess. She won’t let me do that either. And when you hear me talking to myself in the mirror while I’m peeing, it’s because I am the only adult conversation I’ve had since I was pregnant. So how was your day?
4. There is a man who plays noises that sound like your baby while you’re doing anything other than taking care of your baby. Let me explain. When you’re in the shower and you hear the baby screaming or gargling like she’s choking or a sound that resembles a baby falling up and out of the pack n’ play (yes, the notion that she could fall UP and out does cross your mind). Only you get out of the shower (with only one leg shaved and conditioner possibly still in your hair) to find your baby’s sound asleep. This man also plays sounds when you’re “sleeping” (see item number one for the truth about sleep) that sound like your baby gargling like she’s choking or someone has broken into the house to steal your baby or like she’s just stopped breathing (yes, as a mother, you are certain you know what it would sound like if your baby stopped breathing and this sound will wake you up from a deep sleep, not that you know what deep sleep is anymore). Only you wake up to find you are the only one awake in your house and your baby (and husband) are snoring soundly. This man can go to hell.
5. The internet is no longer your friend. Seriously, don’t go there. It’s terrifying.
6. Ignore items 1 through 5. That baby is the cutest thing ever and none of these things matter when she smiles at you for the first time.